Active Listening

As mentioned previously, good listening requires that you play an active role in the listening process. The tools you will need for this include PARAPHRASING, CLARIFYING, AND GIVING FEEDBACK.

PARAPHRASING

Paraphrasing means to state in your own words your understanding of what has just been said. Paraphrasing is a skill that is absolutely necessary to good listening. It gives the speaker the opportunity to find out what message he/she is getting across to you. He/she can then make any corrections needed. To begin paraphrasing, you might start out by saying "What I hear you saying is...." or "It sounds like...." or "Let me see if I'm understanding you...."

There are some benefits to paraphrasing. People deeply appreciate it when they know that the person they are talking to really understands them. It also prevents any misunderstandings from occurring. If you are prone to impulsive angry reactions, paraphrasing will help you to avoid this. You will also be distracted less easily and remember what was said more frequently.

CLARIFYING

Clarifying means asking questions until you are both confident that you have understood. Since your goal is to understand what is being said, you may need to get more historical information to accomplish that objective. Doing this also let's the other know that you are truly interested in understanding him/her.

YES/NO QUESTIONS

This type of question involves asking a question that requires only a "YES" or "NO" response. If you use this type of question, you can expect to get a very short answer. It will NOT encourage your partner to elaborate although sometimes he/she may do so anyway. Once you have used this kind of question, you may want to follow it up with an open-ended question.

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

This type of question DOES NOT seek a "YES" or "NO" response. Instead, it elicits more information from the speaker. This type of question might include:

• What happened?

• What else happened?

• What do you mean by __________?

• How did you feel when that happened?

• What did you like/dislike about what happened?

Your choice of which questions to use will depend on the situation.

This part of the listening process involves sharing what happened inside you, your thoughts and feelings, with the speaker. It means sharing YOUR perception of the speaker's experience. Doing this provides another opportunity for clarification, but it may also cause the speaker to see his/her experience in a new light. In listening to someone who has just experienced traumatic event, you might be moved to say something like this: "Wow, as I've been listening to you, I've been thinking periodically just how scary this would be to experience. I want to make the experience go away for you, but I can't. I know this is a difficult thing to talk about, but I'm hear if you want to talk some more."