Anger as a Secondary Feeling

In most cases, anger is a secondary feeling. By this I mean that when someone has responded with anger, there typically has been one or more basic feelings that preceded that anger: either fear and/or hurt.

Think about a time when you were angry and the circumstances that triggered your anger. As you think about it, see if you can identify any of the following feelings:

Fears	Hurt
fear of being rejected	felt rejected
fear of abandonment, fear of loosing the relationship	felt abandoned
fear of not being taken seriously	felt discounted or discredited
fear of being shamed or humiliated	felt shamed or humiliated
fear of feeling unimportant, unloved	felt unimportant, unloved
fear of being ignored	felt ignored
what could you add ?

Any of the above sound familiar? Could you identify similar feelings that were not listed above?

Feelings are Messengers

Feelings are messengers that provide information about what ourselves: our needs, wants, beliefs, etc.

Just as hunger indicates a need to eat and thirst indicates a need to drink fluids, our other feelings indicate needs and the degree to which we have satisfied them. The following table lists some of the feelings we commonly experience and what those feelings could be saying about our needs at the time we are experiencing them:

Feeling:	Indicates Need for
Anger	Protection against threat
Scared	Safety
Sad	Grieving a loss
Happy	Specific need is satisfied
Cold	Shelter
Hot	Shade
Tired	Rest
Humiliated, Shamed	Respect
Unloved	Love or ability to feel loved
Ignored	The attention of another
Unimportant	To feel valued
Alone	The company of friends or family
Overwhelmed	The assistance of others
Rejected	Emotional support
Violated	Respect of boundaries from others or an improved ability to set boundaries
Can you think of more??

 

Blocks to Getting Your Needs Met

Being connected to your feelings and able to correctly identify them is crucial to communicating your needs to others. Hopefully, you learned how to do this from your parents. If you didn't, or if some other trauma now interferes with your ability to monitor your inner experience, you may have developed a break in the process that leads to YOU getting your needs satisfied. Below is a brief list of some possible breaks that you may be experiencing if you have problems in this area. You may

1. have been taught that it was shameful to be in need and so learned to shut off any awareness of your inner experience -- consequently you are unaware of your feelings

2. you may have shut off your feelings to avoid re-experiencing some aspect of a past trauma and in the process have also dissociated yourself from the parts of your inner experience that would otherwise help you identify your needs

3. have stayed in touch with your inner experience but, because of your past experience, learned to not expect fulfillment (so you may be a little rusty on using that experience to get your needs met)

4. have been aware of when you have feelings of need, but you never learned to identify those feelings -- so you struggle with understanding what would satisfy you (and with communicating it to others)

5. have learned to identify your feelings, but learned that it was not proper to ask directly for someone to respond to them -- instead you learned to imply what you needed and to hope that some could correctly interpret your hidden communication

6. you have learned to identify your needs, but your manner of asking others for assistance alienates others rather than creating a desire in them to help you.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above and continue to have difficulties in this area, I strongly recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified psychotherapist in your area.