Becoming aware of one's own dysfunctional relationship patterns is the first step towards change; however, initiating and maintaining change is frequently not an easy task.

First, we all tend to most comfortable with that which is familiar -- no matter how dysfunctional our relationships are, familiarity means that there is a certain amount of predictability about them. We may not like how things are going, but we know what to expect and having that information can do a lot to reduce our anxiety. 

Also, when we partner, we tend to be attracted to a significant other who compliments our own ways of interacting. For example, if you tend to be quiet and shy in social situations, you might be attracted to someone who is a more out-going and gregarious person, hoping that your partner will compensate for your reserve. And, quite possibly, you would find another similarly shy person to be boring. These differences will most likely be obscured during the initial attachment process; however, as they emerge and you are confronted with how to manage them, you may experience new areas of interpersonal conflict. If you are aware that this new area of conflict is a normal development in your relationship, that my be helpful knowledge; but if you are uncomfortable with any amount of conflict, that knowledge won't eliminate any anxiety created by these changes.

Unfortunately, any change in one partner will disrupt the interactional patterns that have developed within the relationship -- such that your partner will be forced to change and to deal with the resulting anxiety that change brings. Because we all prefer to live without that anxiety, you may experience pressure from your partner (and/or others) to change back. You also may experience similar pressure from people in your support system because they, too, will be impacted by your changes.

In some cases, there will be a significant risk that your primary relationship (and/or other friendships) will not survive these changes, especially if one partner is unable or unwilling to make sufficient adjustments (even if at a slower pace) to .maintain the relationship bond. It is possible for partners' developmental stages within the relationship can become too divergent resulting in the relationship's breakdown.

For this reason, some of you may be faced with having to decide between continuing your own personal growth and risking the loss of your current relationship. Due to the anxiety involved in change and your feelings about the prospect of being without your current partner, you may decide to put up with the current state of your relationship rather than risk its loss.

If you find yourself in this situation and decide to go ahead with your personal changes, you will need to be sure that your support system is large enough so that you have others to support you if one or more of your support people can not or will not be available to you. (For more information on evaluating your support system, see Assessing and Expanding Your EMOTIONAL Support System