Developing Your "Sense of Self"

Developing a sense of your "self" is crucial to having healthy and satisfying relationships as an adult. This process begins in infancy when the newborn's perception is of "oneness" in which the baby does not yet understand that the care touch of his mother comes from outside himself (Kaplan, 1978). Gradually, the infant becomes aware of his separation from his mother and will alternately seek separation and connection to her. One of the earlier expressions of this comes when an infant angrily pushes away from its mother with its arms but is not yet mobile enough to move farther away. Later, this process can be seen unfolding as the infant (now able to crawl) moves away from mother, but always keeping her in sight and returning frequently to reassure himself of his bond with her. During adolescence this is expressed through rebellion and greater amounts spent with peers. 

The parent's role during this time is to support the child's efforts to separate while setting limits that maintain safety -- realizing that it is impossible to control for all hazards. Children learn through making mistakes and there should be age appropriate freedom to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences that follow. Certainly a parent's ability to do this will depend on their own level of separation and ability to tolerate increasing amounts of separation in offspring. If parents have difficulty with this, the child will accommodate to whatever amount of separation is tolerated by the parent(s). 

So far I've talked about awareness of physical separation, but in the emotional (and psychological) realm, separation is far more complex. Emotional separation also means allowing the child's uniqueness to emerge and supporting that child in exploring and developing their sense of self, including discovering their talents while accepting their limitations. 

Thus, emotional separation may mean that the child ventures into areas that are not familiar to parents, potentially resulting in anxiety for parents as they realize that their lack of expertise limits their ability to protect their child . . . or as they become aware of the increasing separation between their child and themselves. As children become adolescents and then young adults, this growth process challenges parents to let go and trust that the lessons they've taught their child early-on will have provided him or her with the tools and good judgment necessary to keep himself reasonably safe.

On still another level, developing a sense of a sense of one's self as a separate person involves learning how to manage one's internal experience: This includes having a good awareness of feelings and being able to correctly identify & label that emotional experience. It also means having enough emotional separation to have a clear sense of the ME/NOT ME...in other words, an ability to claim one's own emotional experience and not take on that of others. To some, this may sound a bit ridiculous, but one of the ways people avoid defining themselves is by attributing their emotional experience to others -- the process is called "projection." If you lack a solid sense of your "self," you will be more likely to accept another's "projection" and act according to it (called projective identification).

Being able to correctly identify & label feelings makes that information available for decision-making processes; but, in order for an individual to make the best use of it, he must also have a good understanding of how each feeling can be used as a TOOL to help him determine his needs and/or desires (as well as what degree of compromise he can give in any relationship without sacrificing his sense of himself). For example, anger is often a response to some for of hurt or fear. The hurt might include feeling violated, betrayed or humiliated (to name just a few) and fear then is the worry that one may soon experience hurt at the hands of another. Armed with this information and some time spent in self-reflection, he can then locate the source of his angry response. This places him in a position to set limits on another's behavior that he's not willing to accept -- or if fear is at the root of it, he can now determine if the fear is unfounded (not happening or likely to happen) and if it is not: what precautions he can take to increase his feelings of safety.

Being able to use one's inner experience in this way is crucial to establishing a strong sense of self and a high level of self-esteem. Developing one's ability to effectively identify & communicate one's needs contributes greatly to a sense of mastery in the world and especially in relationships; but it is not the only component necessary to creating healthy relationships. The next "page" (Stages in Healthy Relationships) will explore stages in healthy relationships and it should be fairly apparent that a solid sense-of-self is critical to navigating the "Dealing with Differences" stage (stage two).

References:

Bader, E. and Pearson, P. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: a developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel Publishers.

De Becker, G. (1997). The gift of fear: survival signals that protect us from violence. New York, New York: Dell Publishing.

Kaplan, L. J. (1978). Oneness & separateness: from infant to individual. New York, New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc