Emotional Health

Emotional Health

So what would an emotionally healthy person "look" like? What traits would this person display?

The following is a list of abilities that an adult would have needed to develop in order to experience the greatest degree of satisfaction in work, play & romantic relationships. As you read through them, keep in mind that this list applies to adults -- children (and to a lesser extent, teenagers) should not be expected to have developed these abilities -- however, it is a parent's role to model and teach these.

In order to develop healthy and satisfying relationships in the areas of work, play and romance, each partner must develop competency in EACH of the following areas:

Ability to Listen

Development of effective LISTENING SKILLS
Ability to tolerate feelings expressed by others without reacting
Ability to tolerate the emergence of differences
Ability to tolerate feeling out of control

Avoids Emotional Loading

Can accurately identify and label feelings and needs
Communicates effectively feelings/needs in a manner respectful of others
Effective use of I-statements

Empathy

Requires the ability to accurately identify our own feelings combined with the ability to consider another person's differing experience or point of view

Impulse Control

Ability to contain reactive behavior
The ability to think about the consequences of one's actions PRIOR to taking them AND to restrain one's behavior when it is likely to result in negative consequences

Tolerance of Delays in Gratification

Requires the ability to acknowledge and accept the fact that one's partner will not always be available for nurturing
Requires the development of alternative coping skills (including the ability to self-sooth and to self-parent) and other sources of support

Realistic Expectations of Self and Others

You understand and accept that your significant other (SO) can't always be available to give to you and you've developed your own emotional support system outside your primary relationship AND your own ability to self-sooth

Ability to set (and accept) appropriates limits on behavior (especially giving)

Ability to tolerate imperfection in others

Ability to find Win-Win Solutions to Problems

Requires acceptance of how we are different and a desire to work at finding solutions that respect those differences

Requires an ability to motivate oneself to continue, even in the face of frustration.

Requires the ability to live with unresolved problems

Accountability

Requires a clear sense of interpersonal boundaries with an ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for the consequences of one's actions

Ability to create a "safe place" where others (including your partner) can freely and openly reveal themselves to you

Requires the ability to acknowledge and validate the feelings of others, especially those resulting from one's own actions
Requires development of competency in all of the eight areas above
Avoidance of making judgmental, critical, and blaming statements

As you've looked over this list, you've hopefully evaluated yourself for any areas of difficulty. (If instead, you've primarily focused on the shortcomings of others in your life, review the list another time, this time looking only at the abilities YOU bring to your relationship with each of those people.)

If you find yourself lacking in any of these areas (or you just want to improve your relationship skills), you might consider finding a good therapist who can help you with your growth process. For many, this process will be best worked on in group psychotherapy where the relationships that develop offer numerous opportunities for growth and exploration of new way of relating. For some, it will be more appropriate to begin their growth process in individual therapy. If this applies to you, you may already be aware of having a preference to start there; for others, the group therapist may recommend it. Regardless of where you start, your commitment to self-honesty, to working at a pace that does NOT overwhelm you (remember the story of the tortoise and the hare?), and to hanging in there over the long-run -- will pay you dividends in the end.

Send questions or comments to



	Emotional Health So what would an emotionally healthy person "look" like? What traits would this person display? The following is a list of abilities that an adult would have needed to develop in order to experience the greatest degree of satisfaction in work, play & romantic relationships. As you read through them, keep in mind that this list applies to adults -- children (and to a lesser extent, teenagers) should not be expected to have developed these abilities -- however, it is a parent's role to model and teach these. In order to develop healthy and satisfying relationships in the areas of work, play and romance, each partner must develop competency in EACH of the following areas: Ability to Listen Development of effective LISTENING SKILLS Ability to tolerate feelings expressed by others without reacting Ability to tolerate the emergence of differences Ability to tolerate feeling out of control Avoids Emotional Loading Can accurately identify and label feelings and needs Communicates effectively feelings/needs in a manner respectful of others Effective use of I-statements Empathy Requires the ability to accurately identify our own feelings combined with the ability to consider another person's differing experience or point of view Impulse Control Ability to contain reactive behavior The ability to think about the consequences of one's actions PRIOR to taking them AND to restrain one's behavior when it is likely to result in negative consequences Tolerance of Delays in Gratification Requires the ability to acknowledge and accept the fact that one's partner will not always be available for nurturing Requires the development of alternative coping skills (including the ability to self-sooth and to self-parent) and other sources of support Realistic Expectations of Self and Others You understand and accept that your significant other (SO) can't always be available to give to you and you've developed your own emotional support system outside your primary relationship AND your own ability to self-sooth Ability to set (and accept) appropriates limits on behavior (especially giving) Ability to tolerate imperfection in others Ability to find Win-Win Solutions to Problems Requires acceptance of how we are different and a desire to work at finding solutions that respect those differences Requires an ability to motivate oneself to continue, even in the face of frustration. Requires the ability to live with unresolved problems Accountability Requires a clear sense of interpersonal boundaries with an ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for the consequences of one's actions Ability to create a "safe place" where others (including your partner) can freely and openly reveal themselves to you Requires the ability to acknowledge and validate the feelings of others, especially those resulting from one's own actions Requires development of competency in all of the eight areas above Avoidance of making judgmental, critical, and blaming statements As you've looked over this list, you've hopefully evaluated yourself for any areas of difficulty. (If instead, you've primarily focused on the shortcomings of others in your life, review the list another time, this time looking only at the abilities YOU bring to your relationship with each of those people.) If you find yourself lacking in any of these areas (or you just want to improve your relationship skills), you might consider finding a good therapist who can help you with your growth process. For many, this process will be best worked on in group psychotherapy where the relationships that develop offer numerous opportunities for growth and exploration of new way of relating. For some, it will be more appropriate to begin their growth process in individual therapy. If this applies to you, you may already be aware of having a preference to start there; for others, the group therapist may recommend it. Regardless of where you start, your commitment to self-honesty, to working at a pace that does NOT overwhelm you (remember the story of the tortoise and the hare?), and to hanging in there over the long-run -- will pay you dividends in the end.

	Send questions or comments to Copyright © 1998-2009 Hope E. Morrow, MA, MFT, CTS, BCETS All Rights Reserved. Last modified: July 18, 2009