Family Secrets

Family Secrets

Just about every family has one ore more family secrets. Some are very well kept, others are not (such as the alcoholic who drinks Vodka because he believes that it doesn't smell -- when everyone around him knows otherwise). Family secrets can include drug abuse (including alcoholism), mental illness, criminal activity, all forms of child or elder abuse, criminal victimization (especially rape), activities engaged in during wartime, domestic violence, suicide, homicide, and unwanted pregnancies. This list is by no means exhaustive: you may be able to think of a secret specific to your family that isn't listed here.

So let's take a moment to look at the dynamics that develop in families when secret-keeping is involved.

Family Rules:

In her book, It Will Never Happen To Me, Claudia Black described three family rules that develop when when a family member is an alcoholic. While these rules may never be openly acknowledged, they develop within the family as part of the family's adjustment to living with an alcoholic. They become known and observed by all family members who adapt to, tolerate and even enable the alcoholic's drinking. These rules are:

1. Don't Feel. Don't acknowledge (even to yourself) any feelings you might have about the alcoholic's behavior or his/her treatment of you and/or others.

2. Don't Talk. Don't talk about the alcoholic's drinking or his behavior or how any of it impacts you. And, especially, don't label the behavior as a problem even when it is one.

3. Don't Trust. Don't trust that anyone will be there for you. Typically, the alcoholic is obsessed with finding ways to drink (although s/he may not consciously admit to this) and the non-alcoholic spouse becomes obsessed with controlling the alcoholic and the consequences of the alcoholic's growing irresponsibility for the family. In this way, they both become more unavailable to their children as the alcoholism progresses.

Consider what this does to the child who grows up in an alcoholic family:

Having to deny one's experiences (and related feelings) interferes the development of the ability to correctly label feelings and identity needs. For example, when a person becomes hungry s/he will experience a growing stomach pains that gradually demand attention. With proper response by caregivers, the child learns to label this sensation and seek out nourishment. The same process occurs with other internal experiences; however, if a child learns to disregard these sensations due to lack of environmental responsiveness, the process of learning to identify his/her needs will be compromised.
Not being able to communicate about the "secret" prevents the development of language skills necessary for describing one's feelings about the "secret" and communicating one's needs in responding to the situation. These difficulties may also be observable in other areas of family life as well as in interactions outside the family.
Additionally, not being able to trust other family members to be emotionally available will transfer to outsiders, making it difficult for the child to share with others and to ask for assistance and support. (However, if the child has been able to establish a stable trusting relationship with an adult outside the family, issues with trust can be alleviated.)
Finally, the above will interfere with the child's ability to develop the skills necessary to negotiate the "Dealing with Differences" stage in healthy relationships (see "Stages in Healthy Relationships").

These family rules, while initially applied to families of alcoholics, can be applied to all families where secrets are kept due to the shame, horror, or other strong emotions elicited by acknowledging their existence. The impact of these rules on children will be very similar regardless of the nature of the family secret is being protected.

Reference:

Black, C. (1981). 'It will never happen to me!" New York: Ballantine Books.

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	Family Secrets Just about every family has one ore more family secrets. Some are very well kept, others are not (such as the alcoholic who drinks Vodka because he believes that it doesn't smell -- when everyone around him knows otherwise). Family secrets can include drug abuse (including alcoholism), mental illness, criminal activity, all forms of child or elder abuse, criminal victimization (especially rape), activities engaged in during wartime, domestic violence, suicide, homicide, and unwanted pregnancies. This list is by no means exhaustive: you may be able to think of a secret specific to your family that isn't listed here. So let's take a moment to look at the dynamics that develop in families when secret-keeping is involved. Family Rules: In her book, It Will Never Happen To Me, Claudia Black described three family rules that develop when when a family member is an alcoholic. While these rules may never be openly acknowledged, they develop within the family as part of the family's adjustment to living with an alcoholic. They become known and observed by all family members who adapt to, tolerate and even enable the alcoholic's drinking. These rules are: 1. Don't Feel. Don't acknowledge (even to yourself) any feelings you might have about the alcoholic's behavior or his/her treatment of you and/or others. 2. Don't Talk. Don't talk about the alcoholic's drinking or his behavior or how any of it impacts you. And, especially, don't label the behavior as a problem even when it is one. 3. Don't Trust. Don't trust that anyone will be there for you. Typically, the alcoholic is obsessed with finding ways to drink (although s/he may not consciously admit to this) and the non-alcoholic spouse becomes obsessed with controlling the alcoholic and the consequences of the alcoholic's growing irresponsibility for the family. In this way, they both become more unavailable to their children as the alcoholism progresses. Consider what this does to the child who grows up in an alcoholic family: Having to deny one's experiences (and related feelings) interferes the development of the ability to correctly label feelings and identity needs. For example, when a person becomes hungry s/he will experience a growing stomach pains that gradually demand attention. With proper response by caregivers, the child learns to label this sensation and seek out nourishment. The same process occurs with other internal experiences; however, if a child learns to disregard these sensations due to lack of environmental responsiveness, the process of learning to identify his/her needs will be compromised. Not being able to communicate about the "secret" prevents the development of language skills necessary for describing one's feelings about the "secret" and communicating one's needs in responding to the situation. These difficulties may also be observable in other areas of family life as well as in interactions outside the family. Additionally, not being able to trust other family members to be emotionally available will transfer to outsiders, making it difficult for the child to share with others and to ask for assistance and support. (However, if the child has been able to establish a stable trusting relationship with an adult outside the family, issues with trust can be alleviated.) Finally, the above will interfere with the child's ability to develop the skills necessary to negotiate the "Dealing with Differences" stage in healthy relationships (see "Stages in Healthy Relationships"). These family rules, while initially applied to families of alcoholics, can be applied to all families where secrets are kept due to the shame, horror, or other strong emotions elicited by acknowledging their existence. The impact of these rules on children will be very similar regardless of the nature of the family secret is being protected. Reference: Black, C. (1981). 'It will never happen to me!" New York: Ballantine Books.

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