Principles of Problem-Solving

1.    Problem Identification

This first involves identifying one's feelings that indicate that a problem exists for you. Most frequently you may first notice signs of anger (a secondary feeling). You will then need to take time to sort out what is going on for you (your primary feelings) and  what your present needs are.

Keep in mind that when one partner is experiencing a problem that affects your relationship -- it is a problem for BOTH of you and BOTH of you need to work to find a WIN-WIN solution (a solution that best meets the needs of BOTH of you).

Next, the two of you work together to further clarify the nature of the problem for both of you. Here, the task for each of you is to LISTEN to your partner for the purpose of discovering what concerns are important to your partner -- what he/she needs you to consider in finding a solution to this problem.

During this stage, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to identify (as best you can) your respective needs, wants and desires that both of you will need to consider when identifying possible solutions. Sometimes, however, you will discover later that you have additional differences to deal with. This is a normal occurrence and just means that you may need to some more work at this stage to clarify the nature of those differences.

3.    Identifying Possible Solutions

Now it's time to begin identifying some possible solutions. Be sure to include some ideas that seem absurb (both for levity and also because you might surprise yourselves and use an aspect of one of them later when you put together your solution).

KEEP IN MIND: You are ultimately searching for a solution that is a WIN/WIN solution and NOT A WIN/LOSE solution. This step (and the ones that follow) may take some time to accomplish; and it may test your ability to persist in your efforts in spite of several setbacks. While the final solution (which you will arrive at in the next step) may involve some compromise, it should NOT involve one of you getting your needs met at the expense of the other's needs. The final solution must consider the needs of BOTH so that you eliminate power struggles over who's needs are going to be met this time.

4.    Examining Each Alternative

Now take each of the alternatives you came up with in Step Three and explore the possibilities of each. Consider for each one how well your respective needs, etc. will be met. Consider also combining some parts of two or more of your alternatives to come up with a completely new possibility.

5.    Decision

After you have considered the possibilities of each alternative, decide together on one option that seems to be the best solution for all concerned.

6.    Action

Try out your solution.

7.    Evaluation

Evaluate the actual real life outcome. How well did this solution actually meet both your needs? Did some other factor that you overlooked earlier interfere? Would a slight adjustment in your solution result in satisfaction for one or both of you? Has one of you become aware that his/her needs need further clarification and your action plan adjusted accordingly?

In some cases, your solution may need refining. If you determine that there is room for improvement, repeat the steps above as needed. In the end, you may be surprised to find that the solutions you arrive at together are better than any one that either of you would have made alone.