Reflective Listening: Empathy Deepens Feelings of Being Understood

Another important variation on giving feedback is "reflecting" back the feeling content that you hear the speaker share. Doing this well requires that you also be fairly proficient with identifying and labeling your own internal emotional experience AND that you have allowed yourself to experience a wide range of feelings. by becoming skilled in using your own experience to empathize with others, you will deepen the level of intimacy in your relationship as well as the other's experience of having his/her feelings heard by you.

These feelings may not be directly stated (such as "I'm hurt"), but may be inferred in the verbal description the speaker gives. Here you can serve as a clarifying agent for the speaker. For example, if a friend describes his/her behaviors after hearing some bad news, you can respond with "It sounds like you were very shocked/saddened/hurt when you heard the news." (Your actual choice of words will depend on the situation described and the speaker's verbal content, body language, and intonation.)

Feeding back your observation of the speaker's emotional experience in this way will help him/her to identify his/her feelings and to feel more deeply understood. It also provides the speaker with an opportunity to correct your misunderstanding you may have of their emotional experience.