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Assessing and Expanding Your EMOTIONAL Support System

During stressful times, people who have well developed support systems (and make use of them) tend to do better than those with fewer sources of support. This is especially important if you are involved in Disaster Response or any of the Emergency Response fields. To evaluate your current support system for weaknesses, complete the exercise below:

  1. Make a list of all the people currently in your life (including friends, co-workers, acquaintances, relatives, etc.

  2. Now let's assess the degree of emotional intimacy (Klausner and Hasselbring, 1990) that you have with each of these people. Based on the list below, what level of emotional intimacy do you share with each of them? (Note that we are NOT talking about physical intimacy here.)

    1. "Superficial interaction.

    2. "Small talk.

    3. "Honest expression of ideas, values, and opinions.

    4. "Honest expression of feelings.

    5. "Full intimate disclosure of ideas, values, opinions, and feelings (includes a combination of levels C and D, as well as an honest sense of past, present and future expectations, a willingness to work through difficult issues without avoidance or running away, and a commitment to assertively problem-solve areas of difficulty)." ( Klausner and Hasselbring, 1990)

  3. To assess the ability of your current support system to meet your needs during emotionally challenging times, consider the following:

    1. Who in your current circle of friends and relatives is available to you during these times? 

    2. What are the limits of each person's availability? (Consider time availability, ability to listen, etc.) Who in your support system is currently unable to be available to you due to their own high level of stress?

    3. Do some individuals who want more from you than you can reasonably give or choose to give (you may need to set some limits here if you haven't already)? 

  4. Healthy support systems are a "two-way street", requiring an ability to give as well as to receive. Here are some other considerations that will help you to determine your own ability to be supportive to others:

SHARING: Does this person seem comfortable with my level of self-disclosure when I share about difficult material? Have I asked him or her about this to confirm my observations? If one of my support people needs to take a break, do I have enough people in my support system so that I'm not overly dependent on this person's availability and can support this person's self-care efforts? 

 

LISTENING: Do I make myself emotionally available to this person when they need support or do I focus only on talking about myself? On what level does s/he share with me and am I comfortable with that level? Does this person seem to be comfortable sharing with me? Are there topics that I/we try to avoid? If I need to shield myself from hearing certain types of material, am I able to respectfully state that need?

 

FEEDBACK: During my conversations with each person in my support system, am I able to receive feedback from him or her even when I might not like what they have to say? Is this person able to do the same? When I need to give this person feedback, am I able to do it in a way that is assertive and respectful, rather than aggressive?

 

PROBLEM-SOLVING: When misunderstandings (or other issues/differences) develop between us, are we able to work toward a solution that is respectful of each other's needs and desires? Do we avoid discussing issues as that come up or do we end up in painful arguments that end without really addressing the original issue(s)?

  1. Now, considering the list below of types of support you might need, who can you depend for assistance and where you could improve on the support available to you by meeting new people?

  1. "Superficial interaction.

  2. Care-giving Support (do you need assistance caring for a disabled or aging relative?)

  3. Social/Recreational Support - Even though some individuals may not be as emotionally available to you, it is important to keep people in your support system that provide social and recreational outlets for you. Which members of your support system provide this for you? Are there activities that you enjoy but need to find one or more people to enjoy them with? 

  4. Religious/Spiritual Support

  5. Technical Support (Career & Educational Support)

  6. Therapeutic and/or Self-Help Support (includes having a therapist and/or group support)

    7.

  1. Now, using your assessment that you've generated by considering the questions above, make a new list of 1) areas in your current support system where you need to add more people and 2) areas you need to work on to become a more supportive person and more able to receive support.

It is important to evaluate your support system periodically. Movement of people in and out of our circle of friends is part of the ebb and flow of life; and, for this reason your support system will need periodic bolstering.

References:

Klausner, M. A. and Hasselbring, B. (1990). Aching for love: the sexual drama of the adult child. San Francisco: Harper & Row, Publishers.
   
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Copyright © 1998-2009  Hope E. Morrow, MA, MFT, CTS, BCETS  All Rights Reserved.
Last modified: July 18, 2009